Allison and I were talking last night about our upcoming couple’s therapy appointment tonight. She was talking about how she’d read that the best thing to do in order to get the most bang for your buck is to come prepared for the session. In a vacuum, this is excellent advice that certainly meets its merit and should be heeded. Outside of that vacuum, I tried to come prepared with talking points last week and was met with a lot of get to know you questions and we only spent a small amount of time actually parsing through any potential issues we may have. So it’s anyone’s guess as to what direction the conversation will go tonight.
I tried to spend ample time this morning thinking about what had happened in the week since our last session. And this is the honest to God truth. I know we had a fight last week. And I spent this whole morning (and a good chunk of my free time yesterday) trying to figure out what we’d been arguing about. And truly, I still don’t recall. The best I can figure is that we had a discussion about how I spend my free time and how we want to better set an example of leading God’s plan and creating an open environment to support each other in our faith. I also am pretty certain that happened two weeks ago.
The big problem here is not that issue. We talked and settled on things that we could do and I believe we’ve been trying to implement them to the best of our abilities, though admittedly it is tough to set changes out of thin air and execute them flawlessly. Change takes time. No, the problem with couple’s therapy is that we both have issues, but we also both do our best to not keep score. And so it comes up that when pressed to discuss our issues I often draw a blank. So I’m trying to write this ahead of time to gain some clarity and potentially work through issues we might have so I’m not drawing a blank tonight.
I know Allison struggles to tell me some things like when I leave dishes out, or if I leave a diaper out, because it seems petty. But she’ll do it with larger issues like if I do it habitually so that I can become aware that I’m doing so. I know I don’t make this easy, because I tend to get defensive. But that’s often because I know I do the same thing for her. Cleaning up dishes she’s left out, picking up things before going to bed in the living room and kitchen, cleaning hair out of the bathroom. And I truly am not sure if she recognizes these things or not consistently. I think she does because she’s very on top of her game, but when I get called out on it, I feel like maybe she doesn’t, because if she did then she wouldn’t be as upset that I had failed in whatever instance it is. And this isn’t an attempt to absolve myself, it’s just a recognition of why I feel defensive. You know in The Office when Dwight leaves in season 2 and then Michael starts to realize that the plants are dying and his toys aren’t arranged in a pleasing manner, and that’s because Dwight did all those things? I don’t feel underappreciated. I don’t. But I also know that in times when I get called out, I don’t feel always like I have an outlet to express it because then it will sound like I’m turning the argument back on Allison like “I don’t do this? Well YOU don’t do THAT!” And that seems shitty and childish. But sitting on my hands tends to make me angrier.
I am just remembering now that we agreed in our most recent argument (whatever it was about) that if it got to a point in the argument where I could tell my tensions were rising, that I should let her know that it feels like I’m losing control and that I would like a break. I suppose in that instance that the best option is for whoever asked for a break to be in charge of starting the conversation back. I think we’re getting better about communicating and trying to be less volatile. I remember in our last session our therapist stating that it’s important to come into arguments with a clear mind. I chuckled to myself at that because I always try to be calm. But I also tend to fail so quickly with Allison. And I think it’s because she tends to project my emotions on me saying “well then you were mad about x, y, z.” It shouldn’t be as big of a deal as I make it. I recognize this. Heck, none of these things should be half as much of a problem as we make them out to be. But I fly off the handle whenever I’m told I’m mad and I’m not mad. I like to think I would respond better to, “I said this, then you said that” but I know that if she does that and mixes up the intent with one word off, I get all buried in the semantics of the conversation. I believe that words matter and it’s important to get them right. I also believe that I make them matter way too much.
Anyways, I’ll keep noodling on all this ahead of tonight’s session. I feel more clear after writing this. I just hope that when you read this in a few minutes that my lunchtime musings don’t give you pause and make you upset, Allison. I love you and hope you’re crushing it on your first day.
