I was going to write this yesterday as a surprise to Allison, but then I couldn’t find my laptop charger as it turned out I left it at my parent’s house (keeping track of my possessions at sleep overs has never been my strong suit. I guess the adult version of me is no different). But I’ve got a bit of time at work so I’m going to knock this out. Allison asked me to look over a series of 10 slides regarding codependency to see where I feel our strengths and weaknesses are as a couple. So I’m going to do my best to write this out in real time as I like to think that’s when you get your most un-filtered and unbiased results.
Codependency: “chronic neglect of self in order to gain approval, love, validation, or self-identity through another person”
According to this, we learn codependency through “enmeshment” — relationships where there is a lack of boundaries and the emotions of one family member is felt by all the family members in repeated cycles. This leaves us to feel responsible for the emotions of others, a lack of authentic self, and a chronic fear of how people will respond to you (aka social anxiety disorder)
From there, there’s a list of signs of codependency.
Low self worth — I believe both of us to have healthy sense of self worth. From a personal standpoint I like to believe that I know pretty well where I stand within society do my best not to elevate myself with delusions of grandeur. I do my best to work to elevate myself while still doing what I need to keep the needs of myself and my family first. So no worries there.
People Pleasing — I definitely aim to please. And the closer I am to a person, the more I look to stay in high regards. But I wouldn’t say that I do so to a detriment. In the context of my relationship with Allison, I am most likely to bend outside of my norms to make her happy, so I’ll say I lean towards people pleasing in that sense.
Lack of boundaries — haha. In what context? If I need to make a stand because I feel uncomfortable, I will do so. And I believe Allison will as well. I think we both tend to let some things slide initially before it is recognized as a pattern. But if something is routinely bothering us, we’ll confront it.
Chronic care taking as a distraction — I have always communicated my love through actions. I feel fulfilled through serving others. But I take the oxygen mask in the airplane to heart as well. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.
Emotional addiction — I love Allison. I’m addicted to her haha. But in this context of a repeated roller coaster cycle of emotional experiences, I would disagree. We tend to have similar themes to our fights, which is maybe what this is alluding to? But I tend to think of that as more us calling each other out on our weaknesses and working to change and improve.
Inability to understand/clearly communicate your thoughts — We’ll definitely get mud minds from time to time (to borrow from a guidance counselor book from my elementary days) where it is difficult to articulate what we’re trying to say. But we’re learning to work around that and be able to break things down in alternate ways. I’m proud of us never giving up on talks precisely to avoid the inability to communicate.
Chronic fear of upsetting someone (walking on eggshells) — Chronic is a strong strong word. Occasionally walking on eggshells because we can read that something is off? Certainly. But by and large we have a harmonious situation. And yeah, sometimes I walk on egg shells because I perceive something is wrong and that’s a bad assessment. In those instances I definitely am creating the egg shells I’m walking on. But I know I’m working to be more specific in my feedback to ensure I’m not creating any false tension.
High emotional reactivity to life situations — I have always prided myself on being patient and level headed. I’m going to stick with that.
Controlling the behaviors of others to “feel ok” —This was the one that made me feel as if may be our weakest point. But not that we manipulate each other and control their emotions. I just know that we take a lot of stock in trying to make the other person happy. Likely too much stock in being responsible for the other’s emotions and well being.
Obsessive thinking about what other people think of you — I think constantly about if my actions will positively or negatively impact Allison and the family. And I try to always err towards the positive actions. But I like to think that’s being a responsible and caring family man. I definitely don’t lose sleep over things.
Am I co-dependent on Allison? For sure I lean on her as an emotional crutch and as someone who will help me to keep my shit in order. I’ve never thought of it in a bad way. But where I do struggle is what this presentation mentions on how to “heal from codependency.” Namely to “spend time doing something just for us” and to “ask our inner child what we need then practice meeting those needs.” I know I think often about how I would like to get out more and play disc golf or go on a long bike ride. But I feel bad doing anything that is going to leave Allison alone with Reese for an extended period. A lot of my lack of spending time on myself can be pointed towards being a new parent, in a new city, in a global pandemic in which social calendars everywhere are shuttered closed. I know these are not absolute excuses to just shut everything down and I try to still take time for myself. But it’s hard with a to do list at the house that keeps growing. I know I could spend spare time taking care of the lawn, or creating things for the house. And honestly, those activities are all cathartic and self soothing, but for reasons I can’t put my finger on, I lack motivation to work on them sometimes. And maybe lounging and taking a break from working and driving is my inner child speaking to me to take a break.
But I’m proud of our continued journey towards safer and more effective communication so that we can pursue what we individually need and want. I know I struggle to voice some things because I pre-conceive that it will be negatively judged (like video games for instance) but have tried to do my best to have talks about that as well and voice my needs.
Ultimately though, I recognize that just because we admire and appreciate each other certainly does not mean that we are dependent upon each other. Just because we don’t want to spend time away from each other (generally) doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re incapable. But there’s always room for improvement.
